I know my obsessive-maybe online research on therapists, and being willing to try ANYthing to stop the tornado in my head, made my first session less cringy than it could have been. Andi had time to explore reasons for choosing me too, and that also helped the fit.

I still don't know how she does it but Andi just gets people and she lets you know right away she's on your side against whatever is fucking your life up. I had actually rehearsed my first words to her: "This whole thing is so FUCKING UNFAIR!" She'd no doubt read about me in the media so, "That's a reasonable assessment," was totally appropriate. But I guess I expected something diff because I shut up until she said, "Care to elaborate?" in just the right tone to open my skull.

"Well, we all know what it's like---"I made exploding hand gestures to try and show I couldn't describe getting murdered and thrown in a burn pit at four years old. "For Becca. But for ME!!" I took a breath, met Andi's eyes and waited to see if she would make the Big Mistake of looking judgy or too sympathetic. She nodded, somehow showing she'd feel exactly the same way if she'd been the biological daughter of the people who created hell for the one they got by mistake.

"I'M FIFTEEN! I should be worrying about boys and how to keep from getting caught doing all the things that get me grounded and cheerleading and---getting noticed for being ME!" The tears came. "I don't even have parents anymore." I had to just stop and sob for a bit. Andi just let me cry which is exactly what I needed. When I looked up the tissues were right there and I used plenty to mop up. I sensed Andi was waiting for me to be ready to explain, not to explain. Big difference. "The Wagners are just two random people who got the wrong kid at the hospital and found out fifteen years later when somebody ID'ed the burned-up body of the one they SHOULD have got." I whispered, "MY parents killed me."

Saying that made perfect sense to me but I couldn't say exactly how or why. I looked at Andi to see if she could figure it out. I got a feeling she would have been just as confused, but she asked a great question. "Lauren, when they did that, who did they kill? Say they did it six weeks ago when your accidental family told you. YOU, not Becca. Were you worried about those things you mentioned? Busy going nuts to make up for the Shutdown? There are quite a few things that could have been going on, and I wonder if focusing on some of them might---"

I snapped, "Get my mind off Becca and what they did to her and maybe stop the nightmares and be all normal again so we can pretend this never happ---"

"No! So all three of you can live the best possible lives---personally, I hope it's as a family and I maybe shouldn't have said that---maybe even better than they'd have been before this, this METEOR FELL on your family!"

Oops. Took a few seconds to get my mouth open. "Sorry. Guess I made an assumption."

"Perfectly normal human thing. And I interrupted you, which also warrants an apology."

"'Sokay. I think you really give a shit....Uh, do you think the Wagners will be honest with you about how they feel about me?"

Andi nodded real slow, like she was really about to be truthful. "Yes."

"So if I ask them if they would have hated me or killed me for whatever thing I did, they would have killed me just like---" I hesitated. "Becca's parents did---will they be honest with me?"

"I'm a therapist, not a fortuneteller. Obviously, I don't know any of you very well and I'm concerned about every aspect of this hideous situation. I promise I will pay close attention to everything you all say and how you say it and I will do everything I can to help everybody manage any pain that shows up."

"So they might be just as bad? How will I know if I've done anything as bad as Becca did to---but um...the Wagners are better so---" My brain was having trouble keeping up with my mouth.

"Lauren, one thing I would like to see happen is for you to sort out your feelings about the answers you may never get, and put them in places where they can't hurt so much. I know that would take me some time, so I don't want to hurry or influence you. I believe it's a process that might help you deal with any answers you do get that you disbelieve or that hurt you."

I dealt with that for a bit. It seemed like a reasonable goal, not like a fairy tale, so I nodded. "I'm one of those people who journals---well. i quit because it makes it more real..."

"Lauren." I liked it when she used that name. I never hated it like some kids do and it helped keep me separate from Becca. "I'm here to help you make it safe to be real. You could use your journal now just to put down keywords or phrases so you don't forget to ask me for help with them. Want to think about that?" I nodded because I actually felt something right then that might have been hope.